“One of life’s best coping mechanisms is to know the difference between an inconvenience and a problem. If you break your neck, if you have nothing to eat, if your house is on fire, then you’ve got a problem. Everything else is an inconvenience. Life is inconvenient. Life is lumpy. A lump in the oatmeal, a lump in the throat and a lump in the breast are not the same kind of lump. One needs to learn the difference.” ~Robert Fulghum
NINETEEN YEARS… at this point, I should not have the thought at all “I wish I’d left years ago,” or have to wrestle with what it would mean to say “I wish I’d never met you.” I have 4 wonderful, awesome, amazing children with the man I am married to, and wishing I’d never met him would imply I wish I didn’t have these children; even wishing I’d left WAY earlier, or having left waaaay earlier, would have left me ‘minus’ the youngest ones…
I only wish I’d never left myself with no options – and the fact that I did exactly that is the foundation for this blog.
I will say that at the beginning of this marriage I believed wholeheartedly in love, the power of love to overcome all things. I believed there was nothing my husband could do that would cause me to not love him – and I told him so. And at this point seems he has done his best to prove me to be a liar, and it seems I am going to have to just accept that.
Every day I tell my children to learn from what we are going through, and to keep in mind that I am working to be able to get us to a better place. While I tell them to learn from me that they can begin again at any age, go to school and excel at any age, I tell them that the better lesson to learn is to get their education early and make certain they have a basis for the means to support themselves – to never get into a situation that they will not be able to get out of.
At this point, truly, anything I would do to move out of this situation would only make life worse for the children. That is a fact, not an excuse. Their father has worked in law enforcement for so many years, and he knows exactly where the line is that he cannot cross that will get him into trouble. Every day he walks right up to that line, but he doesn’t cross it, and every day finds me in tears and doing my best to “suck it up” and get through it. Every day finds me having to coach the children in what to learn from this man, reminding them of a quote: “No man is my friend. All men are my teachers. Some teach me what to do. Some teach me what not to do.”
I am doing my best to teach my children what to do, and it is obvious even to them that their father is teaching them what not to do.
Right now, Life is inconvenient. Life is lumpy. I live with a lump in my throat, and the man I am married to is causing a lump in my breast…my heart. I’m not going to let it harden me, but I am letting it make me stronger. Eventually, “this too shall pass” 🙂
“All great changes are preceded by chaos.” -Deepak Chopra