Reunited

Via Golden Light Reiki School:

inner kingdom

people who appreciate

Via Lessons Learned in Life:

speaking and hearing

Via A Peaceful Warrior: 

tell the truth

big and small

some people


I recently received a phone call from a dear sister-friend, who had been missing from my life for several years. We met when I was pregnant with my now 13-year old daughter, and I was shopping for maternity clothes at my friend’s mother’s consignment store. My friend and I have both experienced first-hand the power of the government to destroy lives and tear families apart, and we have both grown stronger and wiser through our similar experiences. Many times we have been separated, sometimes for years, but we always find each other again and somehow pick up where we left off, as if never apart – this time was no different.

I also recently received a rather nasty comment on this blog – another in a series of bitter, hateful, accusatory and derogatory attacks which continue despite my repeated attempts to make peace. There is no making peace with this person, and as if the verbal vomit directed at me wasn’t bad enough, this person has taken to dragging my younger children into the fray. I have stated before, and I will state it again – this must stop.

The most recent spate of hate took issue not only with what I have written about parents and their children’s happiness, but with my assertion that if the personal attacks don’t stop I will have attorney take up the battle on my behalf. It is only a technicality at this point that I gave birth to this commenter, and blood ties do not require me to accept any type of abuse. If I cannot convince someone to stop harassing me, and to stop harassing my children, then I see no other option but to have an attorney do the convincing.

I have told no lies about my life or my past, and there is nothing in my life I have done that I harbor such guilt or shame over that I feel I must hide it. This does not give anyone permission to attempt to publicly mar my reputation, and especially does not give anyone permission to fabricate events – most especially to my younger children – that I must spend time setting the record straight about. I hope this commenter really has “unfollowed” me – but I doubt it – it’s apparently a great source of happiness (satisfaction?) for her to stir up trouble and this blog seems to be a favorite source for contention.

At any rate, as a parent with many years’ experience, I continue to abide by the hard-won understanding that parents cannot be responsible for their children’s happiness. This doesn’t mean a parent should have no interest in their children’s happiness, it simply means that children must learn their happiness does not come from others, or things. It comes from within. My younger children have learned this, but obviously my older children haven’t. And since they were taken from me (no, I did not give them away) and I was not allowed any contact with them – I did not raise them – I really cannot claim responsibility for the fact that they were not taught to simply be happy and not fall into the trap of claiming victimhood.

As for my dear sister-friend, I am most grateful for her return to my life. Dear friends like her are priceless, and I am blessed with many wonderful friends. These are the people I choose to surround myself with, who choose also to be with me.

We all deserve to be among people who understand us and love us for who we are, and who hear us when we speak.

Childhood Revisited

The Daily Prompt:

Sure, you turned out pretty good, but is there anything you wish had been different about your childhood? If you have kids, is there anything you wish were different for them?

There are so many things I wish had been different about my childhood…I have used these wishes to do my best to have my own children not have “issues” with their own childhood. It’s not always easy, and sometimes I fall short of the mark, but I do try!

One thing I remember about my childhood, or, more specifically, my teen years, was not being allowed to go to any school dances. Eventually I convinced myself I had no interest in those dances all through high school, including the prom, but I made up my mind that “someday” I would not hold my own children back in this respect.  And “someday” has arrived…

Just last night, I had the opportunity to make good on my promise to myself, as my oldest teen daughter was invited to her first school dance and I did not hesitate to approve her going to it. What I wish were different for her is my financial situation. My daughter is blessed with very wonderful friends who help her in so many ways, not the least of which was making certain she not only had a ticket to attend the semi-formal dance, but that she had a pretty dress to wear.

Life Lessons

I long ago gave up on “therapy” because it seemed always to center on trying to resolve the past. When I recently encountered someone from my past, with whom I had long anticipated again having a relationship grounded in the present,  I was surprised not only by how far I have moved beyond my past, but by the resentment and anger that was spewed at me for having done so. As I live now, even yesterday is the past, and while I enjoy reminiscing about many daily experiences, I don’t dwell on them, and I certainly don’t wallow in whatever negative experiences I encounter.

It is difficult to explain to those who have little life experience, that many times life demands that people make a choice between 2 really awful options. While there is no escaping having to make a decision, a choice, it is possible to escape a sense of guilt, to forgive one’s self – not only for the choice, but for even being forced into having to make an impossible choice at all. Being forced into such a situation does not make a person “guilty” or even responsible for the outcome – that responsibility, the guilt, lies with those who forced the situation.

Sometimes, the reasons for a choice make no sense to anyone who hasn’t had to make that choice. I touched on this in a previous post in this blog: we cannot judge anyone else because we have not lived their life. Some people, however, are determined not just to have you explain your reasons, but are determined to extract an apology for whatever choice you made, judge you, and have you accept responsibility for the perpetual misery they insist has resulted from your reasons or your choice. I don’t accept responsibility, or make apologies, for things that are not my fault.

I have learned that we simply cannot be responsible for the happiness of others, and those who expect others to provide their happiness are doomed to a life of unhappiness. I have learned, too, that this means I can’t expect anyone else to be responsible for my own happiness. And as much as this goes against the grain of modern parenting…I have learned that parents are not responsible for their children’s happiness. For those who have not yet had children, I caution against spending extraordinary amounts of money – or time – someday trying to make your children happy….you will end up broke and exhausted, I assure you. Children can learn to be happy, but you can’t make them that way, you can’t give it to them or buy it for them – and ultimately it boils down to the fact that “no one is the reason of your happiness except you, yourself.”

It took me quite a long time to understand that, really, “What others think of you is none of your business.” You can make it your business, but then you are only making your sense of happiness, well-being, or worth dependent upon what others think. For me, this has been the toughest concept to apply to my life. I wouldn’t doubt it to be extremely difficult for any human being who doesn’t live in isolation.

So much of what people get hung up on is not only in the past, but what there is in the present that is dissatisfactory. I have learned that satisfaction – happiness – depends mostly on what a person chooses to dwell upon.